Communicating with children.
Communication depends on the emotional context in which the message is being heard. People can only hear you when they are moving toward you, not when your words are chasing after them them. Even the best words lose their power when they are used to overpower.
When two people exchange messages it is often complex, and the outcome is dependant on each individual's cultural, social and emotional background and the context in which the message is being delivered or received.
In this article I concentrate on a common scenario which conjures a high dose of disparity between cultural, social and emotional backgrounds within the communication process:
Erikson's 8 Stage theory of psychosocial development
One problem with parents is in encouraging them to develop an understanding of what behaviours are typically expected of a child from a particular age group. Over expectations do little but create frustration or even a sense of failure in parents and their children alike.
Each stage is characterised by a challenge to construct and reinforce a positive sense of self through interactions with others. According to Erikson, failure to complete each stage results in a reduced capacity to complete further stages and therefore a less robust development of self:
1. Trust vs. Mistrust (age: 0-1)
In infancy, children learn the ability to trust based upon the consistency of their caregivers to provide comfort and meet their needs. Successful completion of this stage sees the child develop confidence and security in the world around them. Unsuccessful completion can result in an inability to trust and a greater propensity toward anxiety and insecurity.
2. Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt (age: 1 - 3)
Children begin to assert their independence at this stage. If this is encouraged and supported by caregivers, children are likely to feel more secure in their own abilities and capacity to survive on their own. If children are overly criticised or controlled at this stage they may develop doubt in their own abilities and a tendency toward dependency on others.
3. Initiative vs. Guilt (age: 3 - 6)
As children begin to make decisions and instigate activities, the opportunity to foster initiative is provided to caregivers. Successful completion of this stage sees a child develop self-initiative and the ability to lead others. Alternatively, if this stage is heavily controlled or discouraged, children may feel guilty, shy away from leadership and develop a preference for following others.
4. Industry vs. Inferiority (age: 6 - Adolescence)
This stage is characterised by the completion of projects and developing a sense of pride in accomplishments. If children are reinforced for their achievements, they are likely to feel industrious. If on the other hand, children are not encouraged, or encouragement is restricted they are likely to develop a sense of inferiority and doubt in their abilities.
5. Identity vs. Role Confusion (age: Adolescence - Early adulthood)
During adolescence, children become more independent. They explore possibilities in terms of values, plans and priorities. They begin to form an identity based on the outcomes of these explorations. The results of this stage are frequently influenced by the outcome of earlier stages. For example, a child with a weak sense of autonomy (due to unsuccessful completion of autonomy vs. shame and doubt) is not likely to engage in the active exploration required to see possibilities and choose among various options.
6. Intimacy vs. Isolation (age: Early - Middle adulthood)
A shift away from self toward the establishment of intimacy in personal relationships, typifies this stage. An ability to connect and establish commitment characterises the successful completion of this stage. Avoidance of intimacy and commitment on the other hand is likely to lead to isolation and loneliness.
7. Generativity vs. Stagnation (age: Middle - Late adulthood)
At this stage, commitment begins to expand beyond intimate relationships to include community, family and society. Successful completion of this stage is characterised by an adult whose need for self-expression and personal achievement is combined with the welfare of society at large. This results in a capacity to care for others in a broader way than ever before. Unsuccessful completion of this stage may lead to self-centredness, self-indulgence and ultimately stagnation.
8. Ego Integrity vs. Despair (age: Late adulthood)
In this stage, we are likely to begin reflecting on the accomplishments and achievements of our life. We develop a sense of integrity if we see ourselves as leading a successful life. Despair may occur at this stage if we feel as though we have made irreversible decisions that have damaged our sense of integrity.
Many other theorists have proposed variations along a similar theme. Developing, fostering and maintaining an open, trusting and committed relationship is the foundation of effective parenting. This kind of relationship is established through regular honest and respectful communication.
First, consider the mechanisms that parents may employ to establish an open channel of communication between themselves and their children. By combining appropriate language with useful non-verbal messages, parents can establish a process of two-way communication that effectively clears the common misunderstandings between parents and their children.
Furthermore, effective communication forms the basis of effective discipline. Consider a variety of disciplinary strategies and learn the process of implementing effective rewards and consequences.
Effective Communication
Learning to communicate with children is the cornerstone of effective parenting. Children have a desire to be heard and understood just as adults do.
Active listening is a critical tool for communicating effectively with children. Eye contact, body language, 'being heard' gestures and waiting until the other person has stopped talking before saying anything are all useful skills to help you connect with a child in conversation.
'Being heard' gestures
'Being heard' gestures show that you are paying attention to a child in conversation. Gestures such as nodding from time to time while they are speaking and showing appropriate facial expressions contribute to the child's perception that you are listening.
In addition, showing a child that you understand by validating and normalising his or her feelings is an important way to convey listening.
Example:
Imagine that you are speaking with a child (age 6) about her day at school. She received an award for spelling and she is very excitedly describing the moment to you. A parent could easily respond with the any one of the following statements, but only one of these will make the child feel truly heard.
· Smiling, maintaining eye contact and nodding
· Offering your hand in a gesture of congratulatory "high five"
· Sighing and murmuring "Hmmm."
· Nodding and saying: "Your brother, Peter, is good at spelling too"
First, really listen to what your child is saying without formulating an opinion or making a judgement. Just stay in neutral.
Then listen to the emotions behind your child's talk and respond appropriately without trying to solve or teach anything.
Recognise your children frequently by stopping to play a little game with them or sitting down to do a drawing. It need only last two minutes and they do appreciate it! This is a powerful tool, guaranteed to cut down on whining and demanding behaviour.
Take time to tell your children stories. Children love stories, especially true ones about Mummy and Daddy. It is a great way to open the lines of communication. As your children grow older, encourage them to think for themselves by not immediately rushing to solve every problem. Ask them how they might solve it first.
Always tell children the truth. If you lie to them and they find out, the damage done is far greater than in the same situation with an adult. If you want a child to communicate openly with you, then you must be open with them. Children are brighter than you think!
Ask them what they are feeling and ask for their opinions. This is how children learn to form opinions and express feelings, and at the same time come to believe that their opinions are worth something.
Personality traits and patterns in children.
Whether you have your own children, look after nieces and nephews, or find yourself a good example of a highly active 'inner child'; this content is certainly worth reflecting upon.
According to experts a child's personality is not simply a product of nature and nurture but a product of the continuous interplay between nature and nurture "this interplay happens between children and their parents".
For example, parents nurture their child with warmth and love which interacts with the child's nature, a new pattern of interaction is created. This new form of relationship helps children to develop the warmth and confidence they need. A child's temperament (nature) is considered to be what they are born with.
If a child has a difficult temperament they can be faced with a great deal of challenges throughout their life. These children tend to sleep less and are more demanding and impulsive.
Although the child's temperament can stay with them to some extent and shape their personality it can be modified a great deal by the way they are loved (nurture). For example, if children are brought up in a nurturing environment and able to express their feelings whether sad or happy, they tend to have a smoother road than children who are brought up in a stressful or neglectful environment
Five basic personality patterns and the emotional characteristics that accompany these patterns are.
1. The Highly Sensitive Child
In the first few months of life, babies generally learn how to calm and regulate themselves. They usually remain interested and alert, but the highly sensitive baby finds it hard to master these emotional skills. They find it hard to relate to people, sights, sounds, smells and even the thought of touching dad's rough beard can overwhelm them.
As they get older they tend to be demanding and clingy. They are upset easily by new situations and may be frightened of children who are more assertive than them, resulting in increased aggressiveness (through fear) and they may choose not to play with other children.
When sensitive children approach school, their fears appear to grow causing them to be more vulnerable to feelings of embarrassment and humiliation. They may also go through fantasies of feeling that they are the "best" which sometimes results in them being moody, self-centred and demanding.
2. The Self-Absorbed Child
The self-absorbed baby usually seems very content to lie in their cots playing with their fingers or sleeping. After crawling around the baby who withdraws seems to be very content just to sit there and wait for a toy. When they become toddlers instead of wanting to explore like other children they may just want to sit quietly.
Withdrawn children are usually interested in make-believe and tend to prefer their imagery world to reality, therefore being able to communicate with them about real situations such as how their day was at school, could be a real challenge. Sometimes they prefer to stay close to mum and dad and will often have only one or two friends. When challenged by anything they may tend to give up easily.
3. The Defiant Child
Defiant children tend to be stubborn, negative and controlling. They react in negative ways to most situations usually getting stuck in the "no" stage. Their defiant behaviour can develop into negative patterns. These patterns can appear at any age and extend into all areas of their life.
During the ages of two and four, emotional ideas and emotional thinking tends to become rigid and inflexible. The defiant child likes to be very controlling insisting that they are right about everything such as bedtime, the clothes they are wearing and the food they eat. As they start school they appear to be more concrete and focused on planning small pieces of their own world instead of accepting all of it.
As they are very bright and hardworking, they appear to have perfectionist qualities putting high expectations on themselves. They tend to cope with their tendency to be overwhelmed by restricting any emotional input and avoiding challenging situations.
4. The Inattentive Child
Children with attentive problems may not respond well to anything that appears complex. It can be very difficult to have a conversation with them because they change from one topic to another.
Their attention span is limited causing them to follow very limited instruction and their inability to maintain concentration makes them poor listeners. Having this difficulty usually results in the child finding it difficult to express themselves, for example describing their day or answering a question that the teacher asks.
Inattentive children appear to be paying attention in the classroom but while their bodies remain stationary their minds wander aimlessly through a universe of ideas and images. Frequently, their academic performance will reflect their lack of connection with classroom activities and their lack of assertiveness makes it easy for them to be overlooked and lost in the crowd ( Moore , 2000).
The inattentive child tends to be disconnected from thought, expression, creativity, books, words, people and their feelings. These children are usually branded with having Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). Children who have this disorder can have a very low self-image and self-esteem due to experiencing repeated failures, misunderstandings and mislabels e.g. being called dumb, stupid, spacey and lazy.
Inattentive children are predominately classed as "daydreamers"; they are distracted easily, make careless mistakes and are usually overwhelmed by stimulating situations. This is unlike children with Attention Deficit/Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD) who daydream occasionally, fidget, talk excessively, have problems staying seated and are usually energized by stimulating situations.
Inattentive children require a great degree of self-acceptance and patience with themselves because of the frustration they may encounter. In helping these children the focus needs to be on their strengths rather than always correcting their weaknesses.
5. The Active/Aggressive Child
These children are constantly running instead of walking and acting instead of talking. They tend to jump into new experiences and worry about the consequences of their actions later.
At school they are nearly always the class trouble maker, throwing books around and enticing other children to yell and scream. They can be easily frustrated and angered and might resort to hitting, punching and pinching to get what they want.
When the active/aggressive child gets frustrated they are not quiet about it, causing them to act out physically trying to change what they don't like. Anger and aggressive feelings are sometimes unavoidable but as long as these feelings are balanced with feelings of closeness and empathy active/aggressive children can be motivated into doing more than they thought would be possible.
Children need to acknowledge all their own feelings (good or bad) so that these emotions can become part of their gradual development towards their sense of self. Being able to find their sense of self helps them to become integrated people capable of being able to nurture, be assertive and to love.
Aggression in children can be very taxing and can vary considerably, therefore understanding the underlying physical and emotional reasons behind the aggression can help them grow and develop emotionally.
For example, if a child comes from an impulsive, aggressive family life and is neglected emotionally or is physically abused, there is an increased chance that the child will become violent. Some of the characteristics that these children seem to share are:
the tendency not to care for others because no one has cared for them,
the inability to communicate their desires, intentions and feelings, and
the inability to piece together internal dialogues.
When these children feel that their sense of frustration is as big as a mountain, instead of expressing their feelings they tend to act out with disruptive, aggressive behaviour.
According to experts, they tend to speak only of actions rather than feelings and when challenged they respond with impulsive actions (hitting) rather than recognising their feelings and making choices.
