PARENTING

PARENTING

Communicating with children.

Communication depends on the emotional context in which the message is being heard. People can only hear you when they are moving toward you, not when your words are chasing after them them. Even the best words lose their power when they are used to overpower.

When two people exchange messages it is often complex, and the outcome is dependant on each individual's cultural, social and emotional background and the context in which the message is being delivered or received.

In this article I concentrate on a common scenario which conjures a high dose of disparity between cultural, social and emotional backgrounds within the communication process:

Erikson's 8 Stage theory of psychosocial development
One problem with parents is in encouraging them to develop an understanding of what behaviours are typically expected of a child from a particular age group. Over expectations do little but create frustration or even a sense of failure in parents and their children alike.

Each stage is characterised by a challenge to construct and reinforce a positive sense of self through interactions with others. According to Erikson, failure to complete each stage results in a reduced capacity to complete further stages and therefore a less robust development of self:

1. Trust vs. Mistrust (age: 0-1)

In infancy, children learn the ability to trust based upon the consistency of their caregivers to provide comfort and meet their needs. Successful completion of this stage sees the child develop confidence and security in the world around them. Unsuccessful completion can result in an inability to trust and a greater propensity toward anxiety and insecurity.

2. Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt (age: 1 - 3)

Children begin to assert their independence at this stage. If this is encouraged and supported by caregivers, children are likely to feel more secure in their own abilities and capacity to survive on their own. If children are overly criticised or controlled at this stage they may develop doubt in their own abilities and a tendency toward dependency on others.

3. Initiative vs. Guilt (age: 3 - 6)

As children begin to make decisions and instigate activities, the opportunity to foster initiative is provided to caregivers. Successful completion of this stage sees a child develop self-initiative and the ability to lead others. Alternatively, if this stage is heavily controlled or discouraged, children may feel guilty, shy away from leadership and develop a preference for following others.

4. Industry vs. Inferiority (age: 6 - Adolescence)

This stage is characterised by the completion of projects and developing a sense of pride in accomplishments. If children are reinforced for their achievements, they are likely to feel industrious. If on the other hand, children are not encouraged, or encouragement is restricted they are likely to develop a sense of inferiority and doubt in their abilities.

5. Identity vs. Role Confusion (age: Adolescence - Early adulthood)

During adolescence, children become more independent. They explore possibilities in terms of values, plans and priorities. They begin to form an identity based on the outcomes of these explorations. The results of this stage are frequently influenced by the outcome of earlier stages. For example, a child with a weak sense of autonomy (due to unsuccessful completion of autonomy vs. shame and doubt) is not likely to engage in the active exploration required to see possibilities and choose among various options.

6. Intimacy vs. Isolation (age: Early - Middle adulthood)

A shift away from self toward the establishment of intimacy in personal relationships, typifies this stage. An ability to connect and establish commitment characterises the successful completion of this stage. Avoidance of intimacy and commitment on the other hand is likely to lead to isolation and loneliness.

7. Generativity vs. Stagnation (age: Middle - Late adulthood)

At this stage, commitment begins to expand beyond intimate relationships to include community, family and society. Successful completion of this stage is characterised by an adult whose need for self-expression and personal achievement is combined with the welfare of society at large. This results in a capacity to care for others in a broader way than ever before. Unsuccessful completion of this stage may lead to self-centredness, self-indulgence and ultimately stagnation.

8. Ego Integrity vs. Despair (age: Late adulthood)

In this stage, we are likely to begin reflecting on the accomplishments and achievements of our life. We develop a sense of integrity if we see ourselves as leading a successful life. Despair may occur at this stage if we feel as though we have made irreversible decisions that have damaged our sense of integrity.

Many other theorists have proposed variations along a similar theme. Developing, fostering and maintaining an open, trusting and committed relationship is the foundation of effective parenting. This kind of relationship is established through regular honest and respectful communication.

First, consider the mechanisms that parents may employ to establish an open channel of communication between themselves and their children. By combining appropriate language with useful non-verbal messages, parents can establish a process of two-way communication that effectively clears the common misunderstandings between parents and their children.

Furthermore, effective communication forms the basis of effective discipline. Consider a variety of disciplinary strategies and learn the process of implementing effective rewards and consequences.

Effective Communication
Learning to communicate with children is the cornerstone of effective parenting. Children have a desire to be heard and understood just as adults do.
Active listening is a critical tool for communicating effectively with children. Eye contact, body language, 'being heard' gestures and waiting until the other person has stopped talking before saying anything are all useful skills to help you connect with a child in conversation.

'Being heard' gestures
'Being heard' gestures show that you are paying attention to a child in conversation. Gestures such as nodding from time to time while they are speaking and showing appropriate facial expressions contribute to the child's perception that you are listening.
In addition, showing a child that you understand by validating and normalising his or her feelings is an important way to convey listening.

Example:

Imagine that you are speaking with a child (age 6) about her day at school. She received an award for spelling and she is very excitedly describing the moment to you. A parent could easily respond with the any one of the following statements, but only one of these will make the child feel truly heard.

· Smiling, maintaining eye contact and nodding
· Offering your hand in a gesture of congratulatory "high five"
· Sighing and murmuring "Hmmm."
· Nodding and saying: "Your brother, Peter, is good at spelling too"

First, really listen to what your child is saying without formulating an opinion or making a judgement. Just stay in neutral.

Then listen to the emotions behind your child's talk and respond appropriately without trying to solve or teach anything.

Recognise your children frequently by stopping to play a little game with them or sitting down to do a drawing. It need only last two minutes and they do appreciate it! This is a powerful tool, guaranteed to cut down on whining and demanding behaviour.

Take time to tell your children stories. Children love stories, especially true ones about Mummy and Daddy. It is a great way to open the lines of communication. As your children grow older, encourage them to think for themselves by not immediately rushing to solve every problem. Ask them how they might solve it first.

Always tell children the truth. If you lie to them and they find out, the damage done is far greater than in the same situation with an adult. If you want a child to communicate openly with you, then you must be open with them. Children are brighter than you think!

Ask them what they are feeling and ask for their opinions. This is how children learn to form opinions and express feelings, and at the same time come to believe that their opinions are worth something.

Personality traits and patterns in children.

Whether you have your own children, look after nieces and nephews, or find yourself a good example of a highly active 'inner child'; this content is certainly worth reflecting upon.

According to experts a child's personality is not simply a product of nature and nurture but a product of the continuous interplay between nature and nurture "this interplay happens between children and their parents".

For example, parents nurture their child with warmth and love which interacts with the child's nature, a new pattern of interaction is created. This new form of relationship helps children to develop the warmth and confidence they need. A child's temperament (nature) is considered to be what they are born with.

If a child has a difficult temperament they can be faced with a great deal of challenges throughout their life. These children tend to sleep less and are more demanding and impulsive.

Although the child's temperament can stay with them to some extent and shape their personality it can be modified a great deal by the way they are loved (nurture). For example, if children are brought up in a nurturing environment and able to express their feelings whether sad or happy, they tend to have a smoother road than children who are brought up in a stressful or neglectful environment

Five basic personality patterns and the emotional characteristics that accompany these patterns are.

1. The Highly Sensitive Child

In the first few months of life, babies generally learn how to calm and regulate themselves. They usually remain interested and alert, but the highly sensitive baby finds it hard to master these emotional skills. They find it hard to relate to people, sights, sounds, smells and even the thought of touching dad's rough beard can overwhelm them.

As they get older they tend to be demanding and clingy. They are upset easily by new situations and may be frightened of children who are more assertive than them, resulting in increased aggressiveness (through fear) and they may choose not to play with other children.

When sensitive children approach school, their fears appear to grow causing them to be more vulnerable to feelings of embarrassment and humiliation. They may also go through fantasies of feeling that they are the "best" which sometimes results in them being moody, self-centred and demanding.

2. The Self-Absorbed Child

The self-absorbed baby usually seems very content to lie in their cots playing with their fingers or sleeping. After crawling around the baby who withdraws seems to be very content just to sit there and wait for a toy. When they become toddlers instead of wanting to explore like other children they may just want to sit quietly.

Withdrawn children are usually interested in make-believe and tend to prefer their imagery world to reality, therefore being able to communicate with them about real situations such as how their day was at school, could be a real challenge. Sometimes they prefer to stay close to mum and dad and will often have only one or two friends. When challenged by anything they may tend to give up easily.

3. The Defiant Child

Defiant children tend to be stubborn, negative and controlling. They react in negative ways to most situations usually getting stuck in the "no" stage. Their defiant behaviour can develop into negative patterns. These patterns can appear at any age and extend into all areas of their life.

During the ages of two and four, emotional ideas and emotional thinking tends to become rigid and inflexible. The defiant child likes to be very controlling insisting that they are right about everything such as bedtime, the clothes they are wearing and the food they eat. As they start school they appear to be more concrete and focused on planning small pieces of their own world instead of accepting all of it.

As they are very bright and hardworking, they appear to have perfectionist qualities putting high expectations on themselves. They tend to cope with their tendency to be overwhelmed by restricting any emotional input and avoiding challenging situations.

4. The Inattentive Child

Children with attentive problems may not respond well to anything that appears complex. It can be very difficult to have a conversation with them because they change from one topic to another.

Their attention span is limited causing them to follow very limited instruction and their inability to maintain concentration makes them poor listeners. Having this difficulty usually results in the child finding it difficult to express themselves, for example describing their day or answering a question that the teacher asks.

Inattentive children appear to be paying attention in the classroom but while their bodies remain stationary their minds wander aimlessly through a universe of ideas and images. Frequently, their academic performance will reflect their lack of connection with classroom activities and their lack of assertiveness makes it easy for them to be overlooked and lost in the crowd ( Moore , 2000).

The inattentive child tends to be disconnected from thought, expression, creativity, books, words, people and their feelings. These children are usually branded with having Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). Children who have this disorder can have a very low self-image and self-esteem due to experiencing repeated failures, misunderstandings and mislabels e.g. being called dumb, stupid, spacey and lazy.

Inattentive children are predominately classed as "daydreamers"; they are distracted easily, make careless mistakes and are usually overwhelmed by stimulating situations. This is unlike children with Attention Deficit/Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD) who daydream occasionally, fidget, talk excessively, have problems staying seated and are usually energized by stimulating situations.

Inattentive children require a great degree of self-acceptance and patience with themselves because of the frustration they may encounter. In helping these children the focus needs to be on their strengths rather than always correcting their weaknesses.

5. The Active/Aggressive Child

These children are constantly running instead of walking and acting instead of talking. They tend to jump into new experiences and worry about the consequences of their actions later.

At school they are nearly always the class trouble maker, throwing books around and enticing other children to yell and scream. They can be easily frustrated and angered and might resort to hitting, punching and pinching to get what they want.

When the active/aggressive child gets frustrated they are not quiet about it, causing them to act out physically trying to change what they don't like. Anger and aggressive feelings are sometimes unavoidable but as long as these feelings are balanced with feelings of closeness and empathy active/aggressive children can be motivated into doing more than they thought would be possible.

Children need to acknowledge all their own feelings (good or bad) so that these emotions can become part of their gradual development towards their sense of self. Being able to find their sense of self helps them to become integrated people capable of being able to nurture, be assertive and to love.

Aggression in children can be very taxing and can vary considerably, therefore understanding the underlying physical and emotional reasons behind the aggression can help them grow and develop emotionally.

For example, if a child comes from an impulsive, aggressive family life and is neglected emotionally or is physically abused, there is an increased chance that the child will become violent. Some of the characteristics that these children seem to share are:

the tendency not to care for others because no one has cared for them,
the inability to communicate their desires, intentions and feelings, and
the inability to piece together internal dialogues.
When these children feel that their sense of frustration is as big as a mountain, instead of expressing their feelings they tend to act out with disruptive, aggressive behaviour.

According to experts, they tend to speak only of actions rather than feelings and when challenged they respond with impulsive actions (hitting) rather than recognising their feelings and making choices.

STRESS

STRESS

Stress and Health

Stress is a term used to describe a pattern of physiological responses which are directed to specific events in our lives. It is also a term that has fallen into fashion in recent years, particularly when referring stress to the context of work, productivity and health.

Common perception affirms stress as an undesirable and unhealthy issue. However, this affirmation is quite imprecise. In fact, stress is a major evolutionary advantage of the human body, enabling individuals to quickly react to endangering situations - and most likely improve the ability to evaluate, assess and cope with the 'danger'.

Primarily, the Hypothalamus (region of the brain responsible for controlling the Autonomic Nervous System) identifies a stressor (which could be any event - such as a noise) and automatically prepares the body to react to that stressor. This is done through sending signals to both the ANS and the Pituitary Gland (limbic system) - which in turn, activate a 'response mechanism' by stimulating body organs to change their regular activity. This response mechanism is identified by: increase of blood pressure, heart rate, sugar levels and re-direction of blood flow to major organs. The body also improves respiration by dilating air passages, stopping digestion in order to direct focus (energy) to 'relevant' parts of the body and increasingly produces adrenaline (epinephrine).

All this process occurs in a few seconds - and it was particularly 'designed' to increase survival chances either by challenging the situation, or by escaping from it. All these biological features are commonly expressed (or perceived) as emotions. For instance, you may experience fear or excitement in a 'biologically endangering' situation. You may also experience the stress positively or negatively. In positive instances, we comply with our biological reactions, using increased awareness and body conditions to our own advantage. In negative instances, stress is commonly associated with anxiety - and the outcome is having difficulty in dealing with the situation. A very common example is a student who, even though had intensively studied for an examination, cannot perform during the exam.

The role of perception is extremely important in determining the health issues associated with the incidence of stress. Primarily, although stress is a natural and desired response to particular situations - it is also supposed to be temporary. The human body is not capable of sustaining a stressful environment for a long time without damaging cells, organs and other components of the system. Therefore, recurring stressful situations are an actual threat to our body. Recurring stress can cause brain cells to be damaged or destroyed, and induce problems related to blood pressure and heart rates. Coronary Heart Disease (CHD) was identified as one of the major causes of stress-related death.

The concept of cognitive appraisal comprises the two steps an individual usually undertakes when faced with a stressful situation: first, an evaluation of the threat and secondly, an assessment of the resources available to deal with that threat. The worse a threat is perceived, and the lowest the available resources are accounted for - the more an individual will be distressed and emotionally affected. It is a logical human response: the more you can control your environment, the more confident you'll feel to face any challenges. For this reason, equal stimuli may have disparate responses by two different people. In this content, confidence and personal balance plays a big role in defining the emotional effect a stressful moment will cause. One of the strategies for 'combating' stress refers to the ability of moulding our emotional responses in order to better adapt to stressing situations: "When an animal can learn a coping response that allows it to avoid contact with an aversive stimulus, its emotional response will disappear" (Carlson & Buskist, 1997). By controlling our perception of an event, we are able to shorten stressful periods, and furthermore, reduce psychological harm from stressful events.

Stress Management in Counseling

Counsellors are constantly dealing with stress from both personal and professional perspectives. The therapy they use to with stress commonly defines how they'll approach a client's stress-related situation. When considering stress and its effects, it is important that we think in terms of 'association or relationship' between the cause's and the effect's of the stress. To think of either of these (that is the cause or the effect) in isolation will not give appropriate answers, as it is the overall picture - the relationship between the cause and the effect - that we are interested in. This relationship between the cause and the effect is known as the stimulus and response association.

Self Exercise

Take a little time and write down some words or phrases which you would use to describe the feelings or symptoms of what you would describe as 'stress'. Consider the causes and effects of these feeling and symptoms that signify stress to you.

Stress and Performance Outcomes

Stress, with its associated physiological, mental and emotional states and changes, is an interesting and complex issue. There are times when stress makes us feel bad and we perform unsatisfactorily, and there are times when the right degree of stress can be good for us as it sharpens our focus. The relationship between stress and performance is such that:

The right amount of stress can be performance enhancing as it facilitates the availability and release of motivational energy when and where required.

Too little stress 'does not get the blood flowing' and reduces the availability of motivational energy.

Chronic stress such as boredom can produce an entropic effect which draws upon and reduces the store and availability of psychoemotional energy.

Shorter term stress can temporarily reduce access to and the flow of motivational energy, while acute stress can virtually short circuit the mental schema and effectively block access to motivational energy, or alternatively, impel us to an abnormally high level of activity, albeit uncontrolled.

Given the relationship between stress and emotional performance, it is noted that constant boredom and being unable to find outlets for our mental and creative energy can also be another common cause of stress. The effects of boredom leave us feeling similar to the way we do when experiencing other forms of chronic stress. Boredom also adversely affects performance and general wellbeing.

Life situations where there is too little stress are very common; indeed they may be more common than situations of overstress. Almost all environments, including those of marriage and the workplace, can eventually lead to diminished opportunity for creative expression and boredom if something active is not done to counter this natural entropic process.

ANGER

ANGER

It is Friday. You woke up, went to the kitchen, and poured some orange juice into a glass. Your week has been very productive so far, and today's weather is particularly conducive to a good mood. To enhance that positivity, tomorrow the weekend will begin and you have some interesting travelling plans. You walk towards the door and grab the latest edition of the newspaper from your footpath. Ten seconds later, your facial expression has changed, your muscles have become tense, and your head feels a bit radiated. You have read that an innocent young man was murdered last night without any particular motive. You feel angry.

What is Anger?

Anger is a common part of our lives. Everyday we experience varied sorts of frustrations which derive both from ourselves and from external sources. In the previously cited scenario, feelings of anger would have been developed for many reasons, but they are all common to the fact that it was a situation that opposed your core convictions. Although you did not burst into tears or destroy the glass of orange juice sitting on the table - the emotion was there. You may ask yourself: "But I don't know this person, so why do I care?"

The answer to this question is not as clear as the emotion you felt, and nor is it simple - but there are some leads. Let's take a journey into the complex psychological mechanisms that produce this controversial (and mostly misunderstood) emotion.

The Physiological Framework

Fear, stress and anger are closely related processes . In a nutshell, the Hypothalamus (region of the brain responsible for controlling the Autonomic Nervous System ANS ) identifies a stressor (which could be any event – such as a noise) and automatically prepares the body to react to that stressor. This is done through sending signals to both the ANS and the limbic system – which in turn, activate a ‘response mechanism’ by stimulating body organs to change their regular activity. The outcomes are increased blood pressure, sugar levels, heart rate and redirection of the blood to selected organs. This is the process which creates stress, or the ‘stressed physical state’. Both fear and anger are based on the incidence of stress.

In general, once the body has reached its stressed (‘ready for fight or flight’) condition, it is our interpretation of the event which will denominate the emotion of fear or anger. The pre-cortex, responsible for decision-making, will send messages to other parts of the brain and the following reactions will be based on its decisions. For this reason, some researchers attest that every state of anger is a result of fear. In detailed physical terms, anger invokes a reaction in which the skin temperature and electrical conductance are increased (the ‘firing sensation’) whilst the opposite occurs when fear is established (the ‘cold sweat sensation’).

All these body responses are biologically designed for survival. There is no evidence that anger per se is hazardous to the human body – the problem lies in the expression of anger, and how easily people get angry (it has been previously stated that excessive stress causes physical harm to the body).

For more information on the physiological basis and outcomes of stress, read the article “Stress” and “Fear”’

The Sociological Framework

The perspective on anger has changed over time. The initial societal approach to analysing this issue originated in the principles of several different religions and their particular codes of conduct. In three religions - Buddhism, Islam and Christianity - the view towards anger and violence were never favourable. Buddhists consider it one of the five major negative states (also known as hindrances or nivarana) which directly oppose the way to enlightment. The Islamic religion believes anger is a sign of weakness and an undesirable feeling, whilst early Christianity considered it one of the Seven Deadly Sins.

Science has also played its role in defining the perspective on anger. Before Sigmund Freud, most scientists believed that there was no direct biological disposition for the expression (and emotion) of anger. At the end of the 19th century, Freud proposed that individuals were born with an innate aggressive instinct - which when neglected would instigate hostility and aggressive behaviour. This proposition was disregarded in 1988 when the American Psychological Association and the American Anthropological Association reviewed several research papers and concluded there was no clear indication that anger was genetically predisposed. After the human genome was mapped and other scientific advances were accomplished, however, such perspective towards anger began to shift again.

Nowadays, despite the biological or sociological premise of anger, the expression of this emotion is regarded as a highly negative trait in most societies. People that are prone to 'explode' are less capable of forming healthy relationships with others, and usually develop a 'bad image'. Workplaces and social environments commonly object to violence and are intolerant to rage. However, there are some cultures in which violence is a common part of people's lives - usually in developing countries where there is a significant gap between social standards which cultivates hatred between different layers of society.

Most researchers agree that violent expressions of anger commonly result from 'behaviour modelling processes'. Children from violent domestic environments tend to behave like their violent parent(s) - and, most of the time, this occurs because they assume it is the appropriate or 'normal' way to express their angry emotional state. Violence and anger are also related with situations where being aggressive results in power and social recognition (or perceived respect). Many bullies (particularly male children) act violently upon others to gain status as the alpha male of the group, or simply to express their fears and frustrations by shifting attention and blaming external sources for their personal problems. As previously stated - anger and fear are closely related emotions.

The Bright Side of Anger

If anger is a natural response of the body, why should we oppose it? Being angry is a synonym of being healthy and lively - as much as stress works in the same way. People that express no anger are usually incapable of standing up for themselves, achieving important goals or surpassing difficult obstacles. Anger is not only part of human nature, but also beneficial to the existence of humanity.

Put yourself in the first scenario again: imagine if you felt nothing when you read that newspaper. Anger enables individuals to quickly create an emotional scale which is directly related to their ethical principles and to the avoidance of pain and particular experiences which have resulted in negative outcomes in the past. It is similar to stress defensive mechanisms. If we are completely numb towards something which is totally opposite to our ideals, we are likely to accept it, and as a result, not develop drive and passion towards our most desired goals in life.

The presence of fear, anger and stress helps create the alertness and readiness required to react to the environment. But the decision-making process plays a very important role in how anger will reflect in our behaviour. Most people tend to associate anger with the actual aggressive responses that may follow it. Being angry does not necessarily mean attacking someone or breaking something. Generally there are two types of behavioural responses to anger:

(1) Active responses (fighting, screaming, breaking objects, etc) and;
(2) Passive responses (retreating, sulking, showing hostility or tension, etc).

The actual response cannot really be classified in terms of good and bad - but the intensity and duration of the response, along with the individual's anger threshold (how easy it is to make a person angry), are the main determinants of an unhealthy anger-responsive behaviour. So if you often get angry with minor problems or situations, or you are unable to control your 'temper', or you often get extremely angry about something but simply 'take it' and walk away (and then develop hatred) - you may want to consider anger management. Furthermore, the propensity to experience anger can also be increased in particular (and inevitable) situations such as: menopause, PMS, birth, withdrawal (physical), bipolar disorder, etc.

The Dark Side of Anger

If you fit the description in the last paragraph, or know someone that does, there are many options for controlling anger responses in order to have a productive and healthy life. Anger Management has become a popular topic in the last decade. If you type in 'Anger Management' on Google, you will find over 31 million pages on the subject and, along with them, numerous strategies and approaches to combat this 'dark side of the force'. It is important to note that anger and stress directly affect both psychological and physical health in a normal person - therefore it needs to be considered as a 'real' threat. Furthermore, it also has a very negative effect in the societal bonds that an individual may have, or could potentially gain.

Counsellors use various approaches in helping clients manage anger. The goal of anger management is to reduce both emotional and physiological arousal that anger causes. Like previously noted, you cannot constantly avoid or change every person, thing or situation which causes anger, but you can learn to control the reactions to them. 'Letting it out' or 'releasing the bad energy' is not a practical way to get rid of the problems which arise from anger: imagine if a person punches someone or something every time they are angry? This is a practice that is not physically or socially acceptable.

One of the main strategies used by counsellors is relaxation. Relaxation techniques such as imagery, meditation and breathing can assist with controlling feelings of anger and a tendency to violence. Cognitive restructuring provides the client with the opportunity to create a positive mindset towards the world. Using rational thinking and logic, clients aim to 'defeat' anger and replace explosive and anti-social behaviour with reflective actions. If you do not believe, ask Anthony Robbins: "Using the power of decision gives you the capacity to get past any excuse to change any and every part of your life in an instant". Simple, yet effective.

Various other strategies include: changing the environment (when it is really inappropriate), using humour (silly humour can be a great substitute for anger), avoiding certain situations (there are some avoidable situations which can be, well, avoided), and improving communication (sometimes the core source of anger is plain miscommunication).

In the end, the objective is to provide the individual with tools he or she will use to become a person who can manage their anger - from their perspective and within the social context.

SUPERSTITIONS

SUPERSTITIONS
Superstitions are irrational beliefs based on the relation between particular actions, or behaviours, and later outcomes. Superstitions are often based on the notion of luck and result from interpreting correlations as causes. Many of us would be aware of some of the more common superstitions, and whether we believe them or not, it is interesting to know where they came from!

Sneezing and Blessing

People commonly say "Bless You" or something similar when a near person sneezes. It is a common and polite behaviour, but not very logical. In ancient Rome, however, sneezing was identified as a sign of approaching sickness (particularly due to fear from the Plague). Pope Gregory was one of the first to instigate the saying of "God Bless You" towards someone who sneezed - it was believed to be a form of shielding a person from the approaching illness.

Breaking a Mirror - 7 years of Bad Luck

Another well-known superstition is that breaking a mirror will bring 7 years of bad luck. Apparently, the bad luck can be prevented if the broken mirror is removed from the house and buried. This superstition began in ancient Egypt and Greece where metal mirrors were perceived as magical items. During the time of ancient Rome when mirrors started being made out of glass, the superstition developed further and it was perceived that a broken mirror was a sign of bad luck. This bad luck would last for 7 years - 7 years because Romans believed a human body is physically rejuvenated every 7 years.

Walking Under Ladders

Crossing under a ladder is an action that some believe causes bad luck and is another superstition that many of us would be familiar with. This superstition is based on a religious-geometrical perception - a ladder leaning against a wall forms a triangle, which in turn, represents the holy trinity. Crossing under the ladder is like entering a 'holy zone' and considered a punishable offense. It is also believed that it may also weaken the powers of the gods, and thus strengthen evil spirits.

Encountering Black Cats

Apparently, if a black cat crosses your route, you should return to your house. In Medieval Europe, witches and demons were associated with black cats. In that time, the fear of being cursed by evil spirits reigned in several places of evil, particularly predominantly Catholic countries. A black cat, in that context, could 'easily' be a disguised witch - and therefore a clear threat to one's health.

As you can see, these common superstitions have been around for many, many years and often have their root in cultural and religious beliefs.

This information was based on the "People's Almanac" series of books, by David Wallechinsky & Irving Wallace. You can also find more information about superstitions at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Superstition.

ANGER MANAGEMENT

ANGER MANAGEMENT

The following article is written by Ari Novick, a leading facilitator of Anger Management classes and training:

"Our client, Aaron, told us that in his family they typically yell at one another to get the point across. Aaron recently got into a relationship with a woman who told him that his anger "scares" her when he gets upset. Aaron's reply was that he was not upset, this was "just the way I am used to expressing myself when I get upset, this is normal for me". The reality is that what might be "normal" for you and your family of origin may not be the "norm" in terms of communicating effectively with others. Aaron's style of communication is aggressive, but he didn't realize the impact it had on his girlfriend. Aaron had to learn about his style of communication as well as other styles of communication to understand the kind of changes he needed to make. By learning to become more assertive, Aaron felt better, his needs got met more of the time, and his girlfriend no longer feared him when he did get upset.

The way we communicate or the style we use to communicate is often learned from much earlier experiences in our lives when our language skills were newly formed. Think about your family's style of communication for a moment. Is your style similar to any of theirs? Most of us tend to communicate in a way that was adaptive in the environment we grew up, but problematic in our lives today. For many of us, our style of communication can leave us with unmet needs, unexpressed emotion, and damaging effects on those around us. It is important to understand that there are many different communication styles, yet only one that tends to yield the results we are seeking. Learning to express your primary feelings and needs, clearly, calmly, with good eye contact is what assertive communication is all about.

Good communication skills are an essential ingredient to anger management because poor communication causes untold emotional hurt, misunderstandings and conflict. Words are powerful, but the message we convey to others is even more powerful and often determines how people respond to us - and how we feel toward them.

Because communication is a two-way process, people with good communication skills are good at "receiving" messages from others as well as delivering them. If you look at people in your life and we also look at your own behavior, you may discover certain patterns of communication. Some patterns are negative and harmful while others are positive and productive.

Frequently persons who have anger problems use harmful ways of communicating to others - harmful in the sense that it disrupts relationships and usually does not accomplish the goals that you intended.

Assertive communication, on the other hand, is a much more effective way to get what you want and what you need without the negative consequences. In short, the development of assertive communication skills will work for you by making you a more effective and less stressed person.

What is assertive communication? It is a way to communicate so that you convey your rights in a good way. Assertive communication helps people clearly explain their wants, needs, and feelings to other people. It is a way of getting things that you want without violating or offending others' rights or having to walk away without getting what you want.
Assertive people tell others what they want and need clearly; they have a knack of saying the correct thing at the correct time.

Assertive communication skills are the antidote to harmful, destructive communication patterns."

ETHICS AND STANDARDS FOR COUNSELLORS

ETHICS AND STANDARDS FOR COUNSELLORS

Have you ever found yourself involved in an ethical dilemma? Even if you are not a counsellor or mental health professional, it is most likely that at some stage of your life, you have been directly or indirectly involved in a situation in which ethical conduct was to be considered. The growth and standardisation of service industries, as well as the increasing awareness and obligation imposed by Privacy legislation, has led to the development of codes of conduct designed to protect both sides of the professional relationship - particularly the interests of clients. In counselling, ethical conduct is not only expected, but in many cases, is required by legislation.

So how does ethical conduct apply to the counselling relationship? Basically, ethics in counselling is comprised of two areas: confidentiality and professional ethics.

Confidentiality

"For counselling to be maximally effective, the client must feel secure in the knowledge that what they tell the counsellor is to be treated with a high degree of confidentiality. In an ideal world a client would be offered total confidentiality so that they would feel free to openly explore with the counsellor the darkest recesses of their mind, and to discuss the most intimate details of their thoughts." (Geldard & Geldard, 1998)*

It is recommended that counsellors discuss confidentiality issues with clients before the counselling relationship is established. In most cases, the counsellor will tell the client that their relationship will be relatively confidential. Relative confidentiality is required in order to improve the quality of the service, as on many occasions, the counsellor may have to: discuss session details with supervisors, exchange valuable information with other professionals, or maintain notes and formal records of every session that has occurred. Furthermore, there are legal issues involving confidentiality: if a court order is issued, the counsellor must release personal records in order to comply with legislation. This can be a very sensitive matter, especially when the counsellor acquires knowledge that a client is dangerous and may put other lives at risk. These dilemmas are faced by many counsellors working in prisons, or with aggressive and potentially dangerous clients.

"A counsellor who worked on a drug and substance abuse programme , had to visit people in their own homes, who were affected by substance misuse challenges. Sometimes their home was within the confines of Community Correction Centres. Because confidentiality was stretched sometimes at certain stages of their imprisonment, he strongly recommended to clients that it would be preferable for them not to mention names or dates so that he would not have that unnecessary information (and evidence) to cause them harm should there ever be the need to have to report or disclose some evidence of a particular situation, challenged."

Due to such situations, some counsellors even affirm that promising absolute confidentiality is unethical. The following are common aspects of a counselling relationship which prevent counsellors from providing absolute confidentiality to their clients:

§ Keeping records of sessions and client's personal data;
§ Release of information to Supervisors;
§ Protection of third persons from endangering situations;
§ Court orders or similar law enforcement issues which require information disclosure.

Professional Ethics

Because counselling is not a regulated profession in many countries (including Australia), the use of a professional code of ethics is a method of guiding the quality of the services provided by counsellors, the quality of training provided to counsellors, and protecting clients. These codes provide conduct guidelines for professionals and are an effective way to provide practice standards to many counsellors lacking experience or knowledge of the industry. It also serves the purpose of structuring the counselling industry, providing common professional descriptions, definitions and service boundaries according to each type of counsellor.

The Srilanka National Association of Counsellors one association in Srilankathat provides ethical guidelines and a code of conduct for counsellors. The Srilanka National Association of Counsellors Code of Ethics and Standards of Practice - can be accessed from their website at www.srilnac.org
An excerpt from this Code is:

Counsellors will:

ü Offer a non-judgemental professional service, free from discrimination, honouring the individuality of the client.

ü Establish the helping relationship in order to maintain the integrity and empowerment of the client without offering advice.

ü Be committed to ongoing personal and professional development.

Complying with ethical guidelines is one of the most important aspects of being a professional counsellor. Creating awareness in both counsellor and clients of the boundaries of the services provided will lead to a better development of the profession, and overall improvement of industry standards. Counsellors are responsible for keeping up-to-date with professional codes of ethics, confidentiality guidelines, and other relevant information.

If you would like to find more about ethics and professional conduct, visit the Srilanka National Association of Counsellors website www.srilnac.org

GUIDE FOR STUDENTS

GUIDE FOR STUDENTS

What is 'method'? Method (from Greek methodos or met hodos meaning "way across") is a word which entered English in 1541 via French and Latin, and is defined as 'a series of steps taken to complete a certain task or to reach a certain objective'.

Scientists use the scientific method to define the procedures related to research and study in scientific fields. Chefs use different methods of cooking to be able to reproduce different types of food from all around the world. What about students? Students also have their own methods - techniques to improve their learning which are developed from a mix of individual preferences and environmental circumstances. Have you ever considered how effective your study methods are? Well, in case you haven't, here are some strategies for you.

1. Study in short, frequent sessions: This "distributed learning" approach is highly efficient as it takes into consideration how your brain naturally performs. The brain needs recovery and recharging time for protein synthesis, which it acquires in the rest periods between one session and another (it can also be called an 'assimilation period'). Studying for long hours without breaks is likely to cause fatigue and stress, which decreases your capacity to absorb information.

2. Study under feasible circumstances: If you are emotionally distressed, very tired, angry or not feeling well, it is likely you will not absorb much data. Sometimes the best thing to do in this circumstance is to take a break. If your time is your most valuable asset, the last thing you'd want is to spend it ineffectively.

3. Reviewing is a good practice: Merging your memory with your present is the best way to effectively understand and memorise the content of your study. If you have read something in the morning, try reviewing the key points at night. Simple words, verbs or case scenarios will activate your memory, and it is also likely you will capture a few things you did not the first time round.

4. Learning is a logical process: Understanding the context of your studies enables you to learn at a much faster pace. During your learning, try to draw a picture of the whole process and then fill it with the specific details. Once you understand the logic of what you are learning, you'll find it much easier to solve varied problems.

5. Create associative mechanisms: Associative words are memory triggers. Sometimes a lot of data is stored in your brain in hard-to-access places. By creating associations, you are creating links between different entities and scenarios, which facilitates your memory's capacity to retrieve data.

6. Build a temple: Create your own place to study - a study temple, and don't let anyone access it. Once you step into your temple (which could be comprised of anything that helps you concentrate on your task), you're free of all external interruptions: kids, parents, work, telephone, TV. The environment will help switch your brain into 'study mode', and the 'burden' of having to study will become a constructive and pleasant way of having a break from everything else.

7. Pay attention to your own mistakes: When studying, it is normal to forget things, have a bad exam or get stuck writing an essay. Instead of punishing yourself about it, simply accept the fact it happened and analyse the reasons for it. You may be able to identify something in your study process which is causing diversion from your objectives. Remember that defeat is not an end, just a temporary detour.

8. Create a study framework: Developing study schedules and protocols will not only help you concentrate, but will also serve as measurements of productivity. Furthermore, creating rules for your study sessions will help you achieve the 'study mode' and keep your 'temple' in good shape. But once you set your study framework, make sure you stick to it!

9. Set goals: Setting goals will help you progress periodically in your studies. Goals help to measure your productivity, keep yourself motivated, maintain your focus, realise your achievements and, most importantly, improve control over your available resources. However, be realistic when setting your goals - make sure they are achievable.

10. Realise your potential: Finally, your confidence is what will take you from here to there. You may lack a multitude of resources that you'd like to have during your studies, have other major responsibilities along the way, or think that the task is too difficult for you to achieve - but once you picture yourself where you'd like to be, you can rest assured that it is achievable. Realise that potential and go for the ride!

So, I hope the hints above give you the enthusiasm, foundations and methods to commence or continue your studies. Good luck!